CHEAP, DIRECT-TO-VIDEO SEQUEL TO ‘A CHRISTMAS STORY’ ANNOUNCED; NATION MOURNS
This isn’t exactly geek culture news, but A Christmas Story is a timeless, beloved holiday classic that has certainly helped fuel young nerds’ imaginations (and probably their sentimental attachments to toys and shiny things, too). Astonishingly, The film has remained pure and unsullied for thirty years (it will be 30 in November 2013), without any cheap direct-to-video sequels or other crass marketing spin-offs hitting the market in an attempt to capitalize on its massive success.
Unfortunately all good things come to an end, and nothing honest and innocent can remained un-exploited for long, because this October sees the release of what will surely be a soulless abomination born screaming from the hoary depths of Hell itself: A Christmas Story 2.
This direct-to-video release (available as a DVD and Blu-Ray combo pack), is directed by Brian Levant, who made what is essentially the anti-Christmas Story — the putrid Arnold Schwarzenegger/Sinbad vehicle, Jingle All The Way. The only recognizable cast member is Daniel Stern as Ralphie’s father “The Old Man,” and the rest of the cast is as follows: Braeden Lemasters as Ralphie, Stacey Travis as ”The Mother,” and Valin Shinyei as little brother Randy. It will foul up store shelves everywhere on October 30th. The plot involves Ralphie’s latest Christmas obsession: a shiny new convertible.
Now, to be fair, this isn’t actually the first time that Ralphie’s family adventures continued. A couple of Jean Shepherd’s short stories about the Parkers were adapted for TV movies and specials like Ollie Hopnoodle’s Haven of Bliss and It Runs in The Family, aka A Summer Story, but their connections to A Christmas Story were understated, and none of them tried to trade off the name of the Holiday staple like this quick cash grab seems to be doing.
Now obviously from my tone in this article, you can tell that I’m pretty incensed and disgusted with this whole concept. I have absolutely zero desire to see Daniel Stern cashing a paycheck, or a teenaged Ralphie - played by a different actor - lusting after a car. And I definitely don’t want to have anything to do with all of the inevitable pandering, wink-at-the-audience crap that this turd is sure to be littered with. “Look, it’s the sexy leg lamp, all glued together from the original movie, remember that?”, “Hey, look at this DVD cover, it has Ralphie in another crazy animal costume that his Aunt made for him, and we’re using the same font from the first film, isn’t that nostalgic and clever?” Fuck you, Warner Bros. If you get the idea to show this on Christmas Day for 24 hours straight, you’ll have a nation of people purposely shooting their eyes out.