SUPERMAN IS GOING TO START BANGING WONDER WOMAN NOW

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Everything is different and edgier in the “New 52” DC universe, bro. The superheroes wear armor with collars now, the original Green Lantern is a gay man, and Rob Liefeld is bringing more extreeeeeeeme teeth clenching and superfluous utility pouches to the pages of the DC universe than ever before. Even Superman’s appetite for love is amped up a notch in this brave new comics world.  Do you think this “New 52” Man of Steel  is going to be content with mere human vagina? Hell no! According to DC writer Jeff Johns, he’s upgrading to an Amazon War Goddess. That’s right folks, beginning with issue #12 of The Justice League of America, Superman and Wonder Woman are going to start making googly eyes at each other, then get down to the business of populating the world with impossibly good-looking superbabies.

[quote]This is no one-issue stunt: “This is the new status quo,” says Johns, adding that the relationship will have a seismic impact on all the heroes and villains in the DC universe.[/quote]

My mind keeps drifting back to 1995 and the movie Mallrats, where Jason Lee’s character Brodie delivers a diatribe to his friend T.S. about Superman and Lois Lane’s implausible sex life:

[quote]Brodie: It’s impossible! Lois Lane could never have Superman’s baby. Do you think her fallopian tubes could handle his sperm? I guarantee you that when he comes during sex, he probally blows a load like a shotgun blast… right through her back! And if by chance Lois does get pregnant, what about her womb? Do you think it’s strong enough to carry his child?

T.S. Quint: Sure, why not?

Brodie: He’s an alien, for Christ sake. His Kyrptonian biological makeup is enhanced by earth’s yellow sun. If Lois gets a tan, the kid could kick right through her stomach. Only someone like Wonder Woman has a strong enough uterus to carry his kid. The only way Superman could bang regular chicks is if he does it with a kryptonite condom, but that would probaly kill him! [/quote]

Boy, that Kevin Smith, what a prophet, eh?

You know, I actually think this is long overdue and not really all that shocking. It makes a lot of sense when you think about it. The only problem is, they are going to have to enjoy each other’s super-genitals on the moon or on some asteroid light years away so as to avoid causing Earthquakes and tsunamis and killing millions of innocent people every time they engage in super-powered coitus.

 

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Jeff Carter

Jeff is the defining voice of his generation. Sadly, that generation exists only in an alternate dimension where George Lucas became supreme overlord of the Earth in 1979 and replaced every television broadcast and theatrical film on the planet with Star Wars and Godzilla movies. In this dimension, he’s just a guy from New England who likes writing snarky things about superheroes, monsters, and robots.

  • Kyronic

    I’d think it would have been apparent if Lois & Clark really did have issues in bed after the many, many times they’ve had coitus (off-panel, anyways) before the New 52. She was probably more than satisfied with Superman than most women are with normal men.
    And what is to come of Steve Trevor? Is it so implausible for a male character to have a female partner who’s stronger than him?
    (These are words from a male reader, by the way. In case this is coming off as too feminist.)
    There are certain things about the New 52 that I think are “okay”, but honestly, I want the old Superman back.

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