Ladies and gentlemen, the following trailer is not a parody. This is an actual preview cut from an actual film that is going to be released in January, 2013. May God have mercy on our souls.

Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters was shot in 2010 by director Tommy Wirkola, who made the so-so horror flick Dead Snow, about Nazi zombies in a snowy mountain setting. All sorts of production issues delayed its release (it was supposed to come out last year), and now MGM is finally dumping it in the January movie graveyard in a last-ditch attempt to capitalize on Jeremy Renner’s current Avengers/Mission Impossible/Bourne stardom.

This film looks SPECTACULARLY bad. Its imagery and design conjures up terrible memories of Van Helsing, only with half the production values. It looks like a film that aspires to be in the same league as third-rate action shlockfests like the Underworld franchise, The Resident Evil films, Ultraviolet, and even Uwe Boll turdbombs like Alone in the Dark or In The Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale. Everything about this trailer is is typical pandering and generic “this isn’t your Momma’s fairy tale!” nonsense —  from its stock shots of leather-clad, scowling heroes brandishing modified crossbows, to its groan-inducing techno-rock soundtrack. They should’ve thrown this piece of shit into the oven along with the witch.


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Jeff Carter

Jeff is the defining voice of his generation. Sadly, that generation exists only in an alternate dimension where George Lucas became supreme overlord of the Earth in 1979 and replaced every television broadcast and theatrical film on the planet with Star Wars and Godzilla movies. In this dimension, he’s just a guy from New England who likes writing snarky things about superheroes, monsters, and robots.

  • Ed

    Did you just call Trent Reznor’s music groan inducing techno rock?? There goes all your cred!

    • I’m sorry, I wasn’t aware that I needed an encyclopedic knowledge of music to be a credible film critic.

      • TK

        You didn’t criticize the movie with that comment. You criticized the music. And *gasp* what a shock, but you might want to research up which artist you’re criticizing if you take a shot at the soundtrack.

        • I don’t think you guys are getting the point here. Obviously you are fans of Trent Reznor and NIN and are focusing on one aspect of my critique of a trailer. This piece is an indictment of the generic marketing used for films like this, and yes, you are correct, I didn’t recognize the NIN song here, but the fault doesn’t lie with Trent or his music, it’s Hollywood continuing to use music like it over and over and over again to the point where it becomes a generic mass of grey mush.

  • Loki

    Sometimes you need to just turn your brain off and enjoy the movie for what it is. Entertainment on a more basic level. Not every movie needs to be at the height of intellectualism. Also, that is so far away from techno music that it’s not even funny. Seriously… learn your music before you deride it.

  • Cheese as hell… but sometimes you need cheese, as sometimes… you need hell.