DC INCITES NERD RAGE WITH A TRIFECTA OF ANNOUNCEMENTS

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“First it was Ryan Reynolds as Green Lantern. Now this. You might as well let Disney do Justice League with the cast of High School Musical.”

“DC Comics you suck! You’ve screwed up twice this week, I feel bad for all the great heroes that are subject to your idiocy. Canada, you want a Justice League go invent your own, stop taking our heroes.”

“Robert Pattinson is… Metrossexual Lobo, the sparkling danger of the galaxy!”

“DC why do you hate us and our money?”

As you can see from the above quotes gathered from Facebook, DC incited a lot of nerd rage last week with three big announcements. The most notorious one concerned the much-anticipated Batman Vs. Superman movie, while the other two affected only those still actively reading DC comics.

Here’s a recap:

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Bat Affleck

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Rage Factor: 5 out of 5 Red Lanterns initially; 3 out of 5 Red Lanterns now

There’s no way you’re reading this for the first time, but Ben Affleck is Batman.

I wanted to throw my laptop across the room when I found out. How dare they cast Matt Damon’s lesser half as the Dark Knight? Batman Vs. Superman is ruined! I took my pitchfork to the internets, only because I didn’t know the laws regarding burning effigies in Central Park.

Then after half an hour on Twitter, I started feeling sorry for poor Ben Affleck. We haven’t even seen his performance and we are already comparing it to George Clooney’s. And really, which mere mortal really does deserve to play Batman?

Other geeks were clever enough to peruse the ancient archives of the internet to dig up conversations regarding Christopher Nolan’s casting of Heath Ledger as the Joker. Apparently, we weren’t too happy about that, either.

It’s not that I expect anything Oscar-worthy from Ben Affleck, but at this point I’ll be happy if he does a decent job and does not slip into a farcical gravelly voice like Christian Bale did.

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JL, Eh?

Justice League

Rage Factor: 1 out of 5 Red Lanterns

I squealed when I read this next news item: Jeff Lemire will be writing DC’s next big series: Justice League of Canada. I have complete faith in this project because Jeff Lemire is both a Canadian himself and a brilliant writer. He stated he’ll be refraining from falling into obvious Canadian stereotypes and that the headquarters is “not a hockey rink, I promise.” Little does Lemire realize that Americans like me would love to see superheroes on ice!

But as we all know, whenever DC announces a new title, it means they’re canceling another one. This time it’s Justice League of America.

“The current Justice League of America team goes through a dramatic change and some of the pieces that are left behind will evolve into this new Justice League Canada team.”

The complete roster has not yet been named, but Jeff Lemire has said that it would include a new character of his own creation as well as Adam Strange, who has been rebooted as Canadian. Other characters will probably include defectors from JLA. Martian Manhunter is a likely candidate because he’s technically not American, and so is Green Arrow simply because Jeff Lemire is currently writing his titular series. Star Girl is a long shot, but it’d be fun to see her trade in her star for a maple leaf.

DC didn’t ruffle too many feathers with this announcement, but there are a handful of geeks slighted by the fact that DC superheroes would ever step foot outside the U.S.A..

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Lob-ert Pattinson

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Rage Factor: 5 out of 5 Red Lanterns

If this were an original design for a new character, we’d all be salivating over Kenneth Roccafort’s beautiful work. Unfortunately, this is the New 52 Lobo, drastically different from the biker-chic tough guy we all know and love.

“JUSTICE LEAGUE #23.2: LOBO (from the creative team of Marguerite Bennett, Ben Oliver, Cliff Richards and Daniel Brown) contains a major surprise – one we’ve had planned for a while. The Lobo you’ve seen so far in the New 52 is not who you think he is. In this one-shot, you’ll be introduced to the real Lobo. A ruthless killer, Lobo is on a quest to kill the man who has taken his name.”

Gotta love DC’s tactic of saying “This issue contains a major surprise that will blow your mind, and here’s what it is!”

Naturally, this blew up a small portion of the internet with accusations that DC was following Twilight‘s lead of beautifying and castrating things that are otherwise badass (see also Warm Bodies regarding zombies).

But let’s not lose our heads for one moment. This Lobo is not a “fresh new take” on the preexisting Lobo, it’s an entirely new character. The old Lobo is still intact as an active part of Stormwatch and is even featured on the cover of his one-shot for villains month. If anything, stealing another man’s identity makes Lobo even more badass, like Creed from The Office:

Unless of course DC plans to replace the old Lobo with this one. Then we can riot.

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About Author

Paul de Vries

Paul de Vries was raised by a pack of wild Dutch immigrants in pastoral Western Massachusetts. Having trouble connecting with the other kids in his neighborhood, he sought refuge in Greek Mythology. As he matured, superheroes started replacing gods and now he observes each new comic book day religiously. He currently lives in New York City where he performs stand up comedy.