To boldly go, um… let’s just say, this is a list of, err… well, it’s a list of the ten luckiest of the many lucky ladies to have, um… to get, er… to receive… yeah, this is a list of those who have most spectacularly received the, er… yup, those ten most awesome ladies to have gotten the captain’s log – if ya know what I mean. And I know ya do. That’s right kids, here be a list of the babes that Captain James Tiberius Kirk has, what shall we say… boffed. These are the top ten (top twelve actually) who made the grade in Kirk’s long, seemingly unending bevy of beauties, both human and otherwise. Granted, the time period being when it was, most of these conquests are only aver alluded to, sometimes with Kirk putting his boots back on, but the conquests were still definitely there. Since there were so many of these conquests (and near conquests), some worthy ladies ended up not making the list. No offense to the green-skinned Marta (this Yvonne Craig-portrayed slave girl never actually consummated anyway), former lover turned courtroom adversary, Lt. Areel Shaw, and/or slinky slave girl-cum-last meal Drusilla, but there just wasn’t room ladies. And to Yeoman Janice Rand, as far as we know it was all just flirtation, so you too are left on the cutting room floor. So, without further ado, phasers set on stunning, forward thrusters are go, beam us up – and any other sexually provocative Star Trek innuendo one can come up with!
And awaaaaaaay we go…
Special Mention: Lt. Uhura
Yes, it was just a kiss, and yes, it was telepathically forced upon them (though ya know they both secretly wanted it), but it is so iconic, it should still count for something. Actually, this kiss between Kirk and Uhura did count for something, and something pretty big. Their kiss, on the season 3 episode, “Plato’s Stepchildren,” originally airing on November 22, 1968, was the first interracial kiss on American network television. Granted, they had to make it a forced kiss (forward thinking only went so far in the studio’s minds) but it was indeed, groundbreaking. So there ya go. Now on with the list proper…[divider]
The episode was called “Shore Leave,” and Kirk and his crew found themselves on a planet that could bring their daydreams to virtual life. A precursor to the Holo Deck, perhaps? Kirk’s daydream happens to be, of course, a lovely blonde from his days at Starfleet Academy. Granted, Ruth is merely an illusion to Kirk, but that doesn’t stop Kirk from showing her his…you guessed it… Captain’s Log.[divider]
In the second season episode, “By Any Other Name,” a group of space travelers take on the form of humans and hijack the Enterprise – and what a form Kelinda takes on. In an attempt to confuse these seemingly unemotional aliens, Kirk and his crew begin to play with their emotions. And, of course, Kirk being Kirk, this meant seducing the beautiful Kelinda, and “showing” her what human love (and lust) is. In the end, Kirk sends the formerly emotionless Kelinda off, dreaming about his Captain’s Log. Yeah, baby![divider]
In “Wink of an Eye,” one of the last few episodes of Trek’s original three season run, the Scalosians come to town. Their plan is to enslave the male members of the Enterprise crew for genetic use later, i,e. puttin’ ’em out to stud. The queen of the Scalosians, the beautiful Deela, decides that Kirk will be her consort, and “accelerates” him so that he can be at a faster speed than the rest of the crew (apparently, the Scalosians travel at a higher rate of speed than humans do) and therefore will better “accommodate” her needs. So basically, Kirk is forced into becoming the sex slave of the beautiful queen. Poor bastard.[divider]
In the third season episode, “Elaan of Troyius,” Kirk and his crew get in the middle of a planetary war that can be ended by an arranged marriage. The only problem is that the wouldbe bride, coming from a savage civilization, does not want to become part of the civilized society into which she is to be married, so she decides to “use” Kirk to stop the wedding and destroy her enemies. Oh, did I mention that Elaan’s tears can drive a man into a sexual frenzy? Yup. Good ol’ Captain Kirk and his Captain’s Log.[divider]
6.) Dr. Janice Lester
The reason for Janice Lester being on this list is not necessarily the romantic past she had with Kirk, and his Captain’s Log, but rather the time she inhabited his body, and essentially became Captain James Tiberius Kirk. That’s right, in “Turnabout Intruder,” the final episode of the original series, Janice Lester lures the Enterprise with a fake distress call, and manages to switch bodies, a la Freaky Friday, with Kirk, and takes command of his ship. Many call this one of the worst episodes, but I love watching Kirk/Lester flit about. I wonder though, while Kirk was trapped inside Lester’s body, do ya think he ever… well, I think you know where I’m going with this one.[divider]
5.) Rayna Kapec
In the final season episode, “Requiem for Methuselah,” Kirk again finds a hot space babe to fall in love with. Damn, this guy gets around. This time though, his latest conquest is not an alien, nor is she human. Rayna is an android, but an android who doesn’t know she is an android. Well, not until she overhears Kirk and her creator discussing it. Of course, Kirk being Kirk, her being an android isn’t about to stop him or his Captain’s Log, from giving a little lovin’ to the space ladies. It is in these very same affections, that Rayna finally let’s her untapped emotions run free. It doesn’t end well, and even Kirk seems upset by this. Maybe the guy had more than just a little lust for this lovely lady android.[divider]
In the second season episode, “Gamesters of Triskelion,” Kirk and his crew find themselves captured by a gaggle of Roman-esque aliens, who enslave them and force them into becoming gladiators. Of course Kirk finds himself training with a beautiful green-haired slave named Shahna. How does this guy keep finding the hottest girl on each damn planet!? Anyway, Kirk uses his wiles (and probably his Captain’s Log too) to tame this wild beast, and teach her that there is more to life than just fighting in the arena. Shahna, of course, wishes to leave with Kirk on the Enterprise, and of course, Kirk says no, always leaving the ladies wanting more. Man, that Captain’s Log must be a doozy.[divider]
In the third season episode, “The Paradise Syndrome,” Kirk has his memory erased and finds himself living with the indigenous people of the planet Amerind. These people, who incidentally look like a Native American tribe, believe Kirk, now going by the name of Kirok, is a god (he resuscitates a drowned child), and the chief’s priestess daughter names him the new medicine man. And, of course, the priestess falls in love with Kirk/Kirok, and they are married and she becomes pregnant (there’s that Captain’s Log again). In the end, tragedy ensues, and Kirk goes back to the Enterprise. This time though, it is more than mere lust for Kirk, which makes the tragic ending of Miramanee and their child, all that more…um, tragic.[divider]
2.) Dr. Carol Marcus
Dr. Carol Marcus did the one thing that none of Kirk’s other ladies have ever done—not even the above mentioned Miramanee—she bore him a child. Sure, after little David was born, Carol told Kirk to hit the bricks so she could raise him herself, and Kirk being the oh so accommodating chap that he is, did indeed hit the bricks. Years later, while hiding from the craziness that was Khan, Kirk came across his one-time love and their son. Things did not necessarily go well at this meeting, but Kirk being Kirk had no problem wooing back his lady. Well, okay, she was still kind of bitter, but you could tell she was thinking about that old Captain’s Log. Hell, Carol even made an appearance in J.J. Abrams’ alt-reality reboot.[divider]
1.) Edith Keeler
In the fan favourite first season episode, “The City on the Edge of Forever,” Kirk, Spock, and McCoy travel back in time to 1930’s New York City. There they meet a gorgeous do-gooder named Edith Keeler. This beauty was played by Joan Collins. Needless to say, she quickly succumbs to Kirk and his (here we go again) Captain’s Log. But, Star Trek being Star Trek, and Kirk being Kirk, the writer’s could not let this end happily. The ironic part of this one is that Kirk was actually in love with Edith Keeler. This wasn’t just some typical wham-bam-put-on-my-boots kinda thing for Kirk, and the tragedy of Keeler’s death, even if it was something that had to happen in order to keep the timeline intact, hit Kirk big time.
But the Real #1 is The USS Enterprise
“I’ve already got a female to worry about. Her name’s the Enterprise.” – Captain Kirk in The Corbomite Maneuver
Let’s face it people, no matter how hot the conquest was, or how much he thought he may have loved them at the time, his love, his life and his lady, the one and only true love of Captain James T. Kirk’s life will always and forever be that beautiful, bitchin’ starship, the USS Enterprise.
Oh, and while we are on the subject of Star Trek captains, why not beam over and vote in the Captain’s Poll running right now over at All Things Kevyn. That’s it gang. See ya ’round the web.