Our long national nightmare is over. Stranger Things has finally returned to Netflix for a spooky and nostalgic second season full of Demodogs, dorky new boyfriends, rotting pumpkin patches, Ghostbusters costumes, Camaros, and bad mullets. And what better way to celebrate the return of Dustin, Will, and the gang, than with a completely arbitrary power ranking of each and every character?
1.) Dustin Henderson
New teeth and Duckie-esque hair shoots the fan-favorite to the top. Grrrrarrwwwwrr!
2.) Erica Sinclair
Sassy to the max. Loves her Mrs. Butterworth, playing romance with her Barbie and Lucas’ He-Man, and telling Lucas’ friends to shut up.
3.) Jim Hopper
Slipped in the rankings this year after going into Dad-mode and becoming kind of a raging asshole.
Eleven started out this season as Better Off Dead-style Diane Frankin, but ended up looking like Dan Vanian of The Damned and going all Dark Phoenix on us. We approve of both.
5.) Steve Harrington
Steve rose in the ranks this season after giving out some epic hair and love advice to Dustin, and for just stepping up in general for the kids.
6.) Will Byers
Noah Schnapp CRUSHED it this year and could be the MVP of season two. Amazing performance by poor “Zombie Boy.”
7.) Lucas Sinclair
Kudos to the Duffers for writing Lucas as a fully realized character this season, and not just “the shouty kid.”
8.) Joyce Byers
Winona Ryder is an icon. ‘Nuff said.
9.) Bob Newby
Bob, you truly were a superhero. And working at Radio Shack IS cool! *sniffle*
10.) “Mad” Max Hargrove
Champion Dig Dug player, skateboarder, badass, and stealer of adolescent hearts!
Lil’ pollywog-stage, nougat-eating Dart is adorable; Demodog, cat-eating stage Dart is an asshole.
12.) Mike Wheeler
Mike fell in the power rankings this season thanks to be being sulky and hormonal for most of it, though his bonding scenes with Will were very sweet and effective.
13.) Nancy Wheeler
Drunk, honest Nancy is the best Nancy.
14.) Dr. Owens
We see what you did there Duffers, making us think Paul Reiser was going to be a shady government slimeball who would betray everyone in the end because of Aliens, then subverting that and making him a pretty cool guy.
15.) Jonathan Byers
Hands down the wussiest character in all of Stranger Things, and that includes Barb and Dustin’s Mom.
16.) Murray Bauman
“How was the pullout?”
17.) Karen Wheeler
That’s a very naughty bathrobe, Mrs. Wheeler.
18.) Ted Wheeler
Ted has no idea what’s going on and doesn’t care, and that’s exactly how we like him.
19.) Billy Hargrove
The most memorable character from season two, but not for any positive reasons. I mean, just LOOK at this fuckin’ guy.
20.) TIE: Literally Every Other Peripheral Character
Because, trust me, every single one of them is better than what’s next…
21.) Kali & The Punk Rock Backdoor Pilot Gang
Coming up next, on a very special episode of FOX’s X-Men: The Gifted!